It is inevitable when people meet us, with our 3 (almost) 9
year olds, that they start asking some questions. “Wow, you’re really young. How
old are they?” “How was it having twins and a 1 year old in diapers?” “What
great tans they have! Do you take them to tanning beds?” We often end up
telling acquaintances that our daughters are adopted, which is often followed
by, “Wow where did you get them from?” Which is often followed by me using a
lot of restraint and answering politely about how they were adopted out of the
foster care system. And recently, more often than not, that is
followed by something to the degree of, “Oh wow. They seem so……..normal!”
Normal.
I wonder what kind of a response they are expecting to get.
“Oh wow, thank you! We had to start with them in cages, but
recently we’ve let them out and yes, indeed, they are looking more and more
like humans every day! It is just amazing!”
My daughters are
normal. They are not rabid animals. They are not damaged goods. They are not
untamed brainless bodies walking around. Do they have traumas and faults and
struggles at home? Sure.
Don’t your kids?
Whether it is the up close and personal day in and day out
of raising my kids or the hundreds of others I’ve seen come in and out of
foster homes, the story remains the same. Foster kids are normal kids.
They laugh. They cry. They rage. They play sports. They sing
and dance. They are shy. They are leaders. They love making friends. They
struggle to make friends. They love ice cream. They hate being alone. They want
snuggles, closeness, family, to be loved, to belong, to talk, to be heard, to
be seen, to be important.
The problem with foster kids is not foster kids. The problem
with foster kids is where they have been, what they have seen, how they have
been ignored and moved around and shuffled and treated only slightly more human
than the trash bag of clothes they carry with them (in the best cases). The
problem with foster kids is that no one has taken the time. The problem with
foster kids is that we as a society have determined in our minds, whether from
stories or TV shows or movie depictions or whatever else, that they are
unstable humans on the brink of a nervous breakdown at any time. The problem
with foster kids is that it is a SHOCK to us when we see them and think they
look like normal kids.
That seems more like our problem than theirs.
I am happy to share, as are my daughters, that they were
kind of disastrous when they came to us. A small redirection for bad behavior,
every time, was a 2 hour crying yelling angry sad confused rebellious event
with consequences and cancelled plans and so many tears from us all. Was that
my daughter’s fault? Or could it possibly have been that no one, in her 8 years
of life, had sat and explained to her that it was OK to feel upset and
disappointed and I am sad with you and here are the things you can do when
you’re upset and here are the things you can’t do when you’re upset and here
are the reasons why? All she knew were bad feelings. And all she had were the
natural, sinful, human responses that come naturally to us all when we have
those bad feelings.
I will be the first to admit to you that foster kids coming
into your home will certainly have hard behaviors
to one degree or another. What a blessing that behavior patterns can change!
What a blessing that our God can change and restore hearts!
If you are one of the many who has told me that my children
seem normal, I am not mad at you. I understand that I have seen a different
side to the system than most. I only hope that when people meet my normal
daughters, it plants a tiny seed of truth about foster kids. I hope that as
people let their kids become friends with my scary adopted children that the
picture of normal becomes the forefront image in their minds when they think of
foster and adopted children. Oh, would we open our eyes to the thousands of
children out there who would LOVE to hear someone tell them that they’re
normal!
An adult recently said to N upon hearing that she and
her sisters were adopted, “Oh wow! Well you are just so sweet you must have had
very wonderful foster parents!” To which my daughter replied, “Oh….we weren’t
always like this! We weren’t Christians before we moved home.”
It is part of her story and she loves it. Some of their
traumas are still being dealt with and are certainly not a laughable matter.
They will overcome those just like they’ve overcome the ones they can giggle
about now. G slightly enjoys hearing the stories of how she would punch her
sisters’ lights out if they didn’t share their shoes with her. She gets the
redemption. She gets the hope. She gets that the Lord can turn whomever He
chooses, whenever He chooses.
There are a lot more foster kids out there who are waiting
to hear the good news of how God can change their hearts. Would you consider allowing one of these normal children to join your family?
